On March 13, 2017 I found out that I was pregnant. Within a week or so, I found out we were having twins. Around April 15th, we were able to see our little gummy bears moving around in utero looking like Yin and Yang. When we went to our appointment in May, we saw our much bigger babies thrashing around cradled next to one another. I was amazed at how much life was within me and what my body was doing. Only a few people knew at that point. I had planned to do a bigger reveal once we were farther along and I was showing more. We talked about how to do that; whether I’d just do a post or post a picture or a short video wearing my belly proudly. Then around the end of May, I noticed a bit of leaking. I won’t recount the entire story because I’ve already discussed that in the original post for this blog (check it out here if you haven’t read it). About a week later I had a doc appointment for blood work and anatomy scan… that was the worst day of my life. My babies had been measuring fine and I was starting to feel little flutters that I believe were more than gas or digestion. The leaking had me concerned though so when the doctor paused while looking at the screen, I knew something was wrong.
We had been counting the days until we would meet our babies. We found out that day, that we were having girls. Our due date of 11/17/17 was always in our minds. We had thoughts of what we would do for the holidays and how everyone would round out the year getting to meet our little ones. We knew they’d likely arrive before the due date but the due date always stuck out in our minds.
~I can’t believe today is 11/17/17~
I can’t believe we’ve hit this date so fast when some days, their loss feels like it just happened yesterday. It’s been five months. Five months of tears, depression, sadness, post-partum anxiety, anger, confusion, auto-piloting and just… grief…. When I knew the girls were not going to make it, I wanted to die right then with them. I thought about it to be honest. I just wanted to be with them and my brain had me believing that they would be alone and needed their mommy so why should I stay here. The main thought that saved me was that my wife and my mom wouldn’t be able to handle losing the girls and me too. I didn’t want to do that to my living loved ones. I also thought about the spirit realm and have a belief that it is a peaceful place where overall, they are ok. Not hurting, not in danger, not distressed… so I held onto those thoughts and they literally saved my life. I don’t use substances or anti-anxiety medications so I truly wasn’t sure how I was going to get through this loss. I was lost! My spirit was lost and my heart was broken in a way that it never has been before. I know I’ve written a lot about this and my feelings around my loss. I haven’t watched much about it because it’s frankly too close to home. I’ve lived it, I don’t need to see it dramatize. Having said that, I was watching HTGAWM (How to Get Away With Murder) earlier in the week and there’s a scene where Annalise (main character) talks about the death of her son. LAWWWWDDDDDD!!!!!! Y’all this is one of THE REALIST artist depictions of how this kind of loss effects a parent. Check it out below if you haven’t already.
I don’t want a drink or a smoke or anything like that but geesh, I completely intellectually understand why people turn to substances and food when they’re hurting. You just want the pain to go away but we all know those things don’t work. They actually can and do more harm than good. If you haven’t read my post about the medicalization of grief and the things we do to cope, check that out here!
This is a date I’ll forever remember right along with the date my girls were actually born. Angel parents always remember these types of dates where I don’t know if it’s the same for parents with living children. Maybe one day I’ll forget that this was my due date. Maybe I’ll only remember June 7, 2017 and the births of my future children. Maybe I’ll forget the day I first found out I was pregnant with the girls after years of trying and injections and transvaginal ultrasounds and blood draws and money spent on sperm and meds. I don’t think I will though. It’s now part of me… it’s part of my story and part of Aviva & Jora’s. To all the angel parents remembering the little ones gone too soon, take care of yourself, surround yourself with as much love as possible and know that you’re not alone. There are so many people who know this very specific kind of ache in your heart and are right here trying to heal alongside you.
If you’re feeling suicidal, reach out for help. Contact your the number below, a family member or friend, your therapist and/or your local crisis center.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Phone Number