Fu*k Beyonce

*Admittedly I wrote this the day her photos broke the internet. I’m not as angry/jealous about this as I was…kinda…*

Yeah I said it. Ok hear me out before the dragging commences.  Of course I don’t mean it the way it sounds but I’m angry. She’s taking beautiful pictures with her full belly, Africa-themed attire, little Blu Ivy smiling and happy, her and Jay all connected and supportive… and today, today she finally posts a picture of her looking like a damn goddess with her little twin babies in her arms. Fuck that!

Keeping it real… I’m so fucking jealous y’all. I hate to admit that because I’m not really a jealous person. I love to see other women winning and if anything, it’s usually a motivator for me to level up and be great right alongside them. I’ve been known to tell my friends (and one of my good friends even hashtags it often), “friends don’t let friends be basic”. Friends encourage each other, support each other, become your biggest cheerleaders to help you achieve your goals. So being bitter and jealous is not usually how I operate. I respect people’s hustle and can wholeheartedly support another woman doing her thing. In this instance though, I’m seriously jealous af right now…

I’m taking a semi-hiatus from social media to do some healing work on myself after losing our twin girls but I can’t escape the news, TMZ, or even Bing images about Bey and “the twins”.  Can I just be informed about what’s going on in the world without being inundated with people who have what I don’t? The crazy thing is that I just recently have started having experiences where I’m not immediately saddened by seeing pregnant women or people with babies. Well, I take that back… I’m still saddened by pregnant women because in my mind, I should still be pregnant right now, but I’m less saddened by actual babies. I can smile about them again and even make eye contact sometimes.  So this heavy jealousy feeling when seeing Bey really messed with me and immediately made me angry. I don’t even know what to do with that energy besides cry. In all honesty even though I’m jealous, I’m glad for women, including Beyonce, who have the privilege of having a child or children. It really is a privilege and should be treated as such. I wish her and all her beautiful babies nothing but the best & utmost happiness. They’re a blessing.

I had planned to take goddess-like photos for my maternity shoot and after my little babies were here. I had planned to actually do some kind of announcement about my babies when they were here or when I was very pregnant rather than the early notifications to others.  I thought hard about their beautiful, unique names and was so excited to call those out and potentially come up with nicknames for my girls. I was excited to be in all my femme glory with my twins in tow forever proud of what my body could create on its own. Now, what I have to show for it is a beautiful tattoo in memory of our girls and a consistently tear-streaked face because I miss them so much. I don’t have any suggestions for dealing with this feeling… I’m sure you’ve felt it in some form too.  What I will leave you with is “feel your feels”. No one can tell you how to feel and even though this feels crappy right now, it’s normal that I feel this way and I’m not going to force myself to feel differently. Jealousy is real and it’ll pass.