grief & loss, Trauma of it all, TTC (trying to conceive)

Facing Fears

Sometimes it’s really hard to be vulnerable. It’s difficult to share your deepest darkest fears with someone else and allow them to see the cracks in the facade you maintain everyday.  We all wear masks to an extent. We put our face on to go and deal with the world, handle our business and keep our heads above water while we silently, quietly deal with the turmoil inside.

Losing a baby or babies is hard. Trying to conceive is hard. Trying to conceive after losing a baby (or babies) is hard. You don’t really know what your body is doing, if it’s going to respond the way you need it to, if you’re going to be able to get another shot at carrying… you just really don’t know anything. On top of that, you have to deal with the looks on your partners face every time the answers aren’t what you want them to be. That “look” is sadness, disappointment, frustration, anger, fatigue, confusion, angst, hopelessness, helplessness, heartache and heartbreak all rolled into one. It’s all the future seen and then washed away like designs in the sand when the waves come in. Being the bearer of that bad news is soul crushing. Your heart breaks for them and for you… their heart breaks for you and for them… your hearts break together for all the what if’s and what could’ve been’s and all the plans you had in that instance. If you’re lucky, you work together to keep making designs in the sand praying it won’t get washed away. Luckier still if you decide together to make your designs somewhere they’re less likely to get washed away…

I watch a lot of TV when I can. One of my favorite shows is Sister Wives. I don’t care if you judge. I have always had a soft spot for Meri, the first wife, for a variety of reasons. One, she was first and then had to watch all these other people enter their life and work through all that. Second, she was only ever able to have one child. You can see in the show throughout the years how much that pains her. Imagine for a second that you’re unable to have more children and have to live in close proximity and watch all your closest people have tons of them. Imagine what that may FEEL like to her. What it felt like to tell Kody over and over again that she wasn’t pregnant.

I think about Anneliese Keating (Queen Viola Davis) and the devastating loss of her baby and knowing she won’t have anymore…delivering another woman’s baby in an emergency hoping she can save it’s life…remembering her own pain… think about what that FEELS like to her. What it felt like to tell Sam that the baby died.

I think about Kate from This is Us and all the years she thought she never have children, the hope she felt when she got pregnant and the devastation she felt when she lost the baby. Think about what that FEELS like to her…  what it’s felt like to tell Toby she was losing it and see the pain on his face.

The pain of having it happen to you is almost rivaled by the pain of having to tell other people about it. Particularly people who wanted the child(ren) too. Partners…grand parents…friends even… that’s probably why the rule of thumb is to keep it secret until you’re “safely” in the second trimester. That’s bullshit btw. There is no safe zone. Check out my blog about that here.

So we hide the joy in fear of the pain. In fear of having to tell people the little soul here for a second is now gone. You hide the ttc stories in fear of someone asking you, “so what’s the update? You pregnant yet?” You tell yourself that you’re ok so people don’t actually realize just how close you are to falling apart.  You know what’s true though… you know how hard it is to live this life whether that’s silently or publicly.  I think the kicker is that others don’t really know or understand how difficult it can be to just get out of bed in the morning when there’s so much uncertainty.  Mentally fighting against your worst fears is exhausting and you need to do all you can to replenish yourself for this long, hard road. I don’t have any great suggestions about what works long term because frankly, I’m still in this journey right with you. I’m using all the things suggested to me and I in turn, pay it forward and pass the information onto you. My hope is that putting words to these feelings and thoughts helps you see yourself in this entry, helps you share your own feelings with someone else, helps your loved one’s better understand what may be happening for you.

Take off that cape and that mask Nubia (check out my older post about here)… As usual, I’m sending out <3 & healing.

Leave a Reply