7 Gems - You're Welcome, black angel moms, grief & loss, Laugh through the pain

7 Things I Oddly Miss…

There are a lot of things I miss about being pregnant but there are a select few that really stick out and feel ever-present as this year comes to a close. The consistent intense feeling of grief fades a bit over time but the shorter, intermittent bursts of sadness are hella powerful even 6 months away… Take a look below and let us know in the comments, whether any of these ring true for you too. Sending hugs & <3 to all the angel parents missing their little ones terribly as the year transitions <3 <3 <3

  1. The shape & look of their little mouths
    1. I mentioned in an older post that I spent so much  time staring at my girls’ faces. I looked at their fingers and toes and ears and mouths. I opened their mouths too. Idk why… I think I wanted to visually commit every inch of them to memory knowing that I wouldn’t see them again. I remember so clearly what it looked like and I miss seeing it in the flesh. Sometimes I even imagine what a cry or coo would’ve sounded like coming out of them.
  2. Nausea & Smell sensitivity
    1. So I know a lot of people don’t like being pregnant. Some would even go as far as to say it “sucks” and they’re entitled to their opinion. I may or may not have the internal urge to punch you in the face when I hear those kind of comments. See the source imageFor me, it didn’t suck even though I was sick as hell. I had this general state of nausea and extreme sensitivity to smells like garlic and chicken cooking which are actually two of my favorite things! Even though those things were challenging, I oddly miss that level of sensitivity. Maybe it’s because of what it was a symptom of (pregnancy) and maybe it’s because I just enjoy having the senses of a wild animal who can sniff out stinky stuff.
  3. Laying super still at night to try and feel the babies move
    1. Closer to the end of my pregnancy, my partner & I would lay in bed w/ our palms over my womb. We’d try to distinguish between what was maybe digestion and what was actual movement of the babies. It was incredibly intimate and quiet and tuned in.  We’d each take turns and sometimes she’d even put an ear to my belly to listen for swishing sounds. My tummy was always making some kind of noise or gurgle so sometimes we couldn’t tell but others, we felt deep in our spirits that it wasn’t just gas.
  4. The smell of my girls as I held them on my chest
    1. Babies have a smell. Maybe it’s just the inside of your womb smell which is likely the most logical answer. Maybe it’s the combination of blood & vagina. Idk. Regardless, I know exactly what they smelled like and it wasn’t anything I had ever smelled before in all my years or menstruation and having a vagina =P.  I still keep the blanket they were wrapped in inside a bag to preserve that smell. It’s still there =)… I open it every now and then for that olfactory memory.
  5. The satisfaction of a cheese burger or french fries
    1. I’ve always liked cheese burgers and fries. I mean, who doesn’t. But LISTEN!!! The satisfaction of eating something that you crave when you’re pregnant is a whole other level of pleasure. It’s basically orgasmic for real for real.  I’ve had burgers and fries since and though it’s been delicious, that special sense of satisfaction is absent.
  6. Seeing my girls moving around on the ultrasound
    1. One of the most amazing things a person can ever witness is seeing their babies move on an ultrasound. It is pure evidence of life. To really know, not just from a pregnancy test or from seeing little circles on the screen, that there is LIFE inside you… my god… it is one of THE most precious things one can ever experience. I think we kind of got addicted to seeing our babies move around and grow. I went through some kind of withdrawal when I was shifted from the weekly fertility center visits to the every 4 weeks OB visits. That time gap is whack af.
  7. Hearing their heartbeats
    1. Next to #6, the first and subsequent times you hear a heartbeat are unparalleled. Again, it’s evidence of LIFE and seeing the little flicker on the screen coupled with hearing the fast thudding of your little one’s heart brings almost every person I’ve ever known to tears (or close to it). I wish I had a recording of that sound. Thankfully we do have a recording of them moving so I’ll hold onto that.

Some of these things are included because they are bodily. You don’t typically miss the sound of someone’s heartbeat because you don’t usually hear it. Babies moving on ultrasounds are actually pretty funny looking. They thrash around in this really odd and involuntary way but in those moments, it’s simply beautiful. And nausea, I mean, who misses being nauseous!? It’s one of the reasons I don’t drink. I don’t like hangovers and I don’t like to feel sick but in this case, I truly do miss it in relation to all it represented for me. So call it odd, call it normal, call it on Tuesday. I don’t really care. It’s my truth and maybe it resonates for some of you too. <3 

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