7 Gems - You're Welcome, grief & loss, Laugh through the pain, Parenting Afterwards/The Aftermath, Trying to figure this all out

Lemme Check… Yup! Still Hard

Photo by: @CRF.pics (IG)

How much time is “enough time” for a person to be “over” their loss? How many of you have been asked if you’re STILL having a hard time since your loss? I’m grateful that question doesn’t usually come in my direction anymore (probably because I’m a little feisty. *shrugs* blame it on the Leo in me) but I know for a fact, it comes up for a lot of you all. You’ve told me about the ways in which people do not seem to understand when or where you set boundaries around your time, why you may be in a mood, or why you may continue to involve yourself in supportive services. First off,


Continue to focus your energy THERE and less in directions that prioritize others.  While you’re doing that, you know I had to give you a feisty response for folx who have the gumption to ask if you’re “still” experiencing whatever it is you may be, “hmm… lemme check. Yup, it’s still hard!”

Below are a few common things that can remain challenging for angel parents regardless of how much time has passed since their loss:

  1. Yup, it’s still hard to hear pregnancy & birth announcements
    • No, this doesn’t mean we’re not happy for you nor does it mean we have ill wishes towards your little one. It’s just a reminder and sometimes, that’s a hard pill to swallow even on our best days.
  2. Yup, it’s still hard to go to baby showers, sprinkles, and kid parties
    • See above. We also may come but end up only staying a short period of time. It’s not personal. It just may be all the emotional energy we can muster up to stay for that hour or two.
  3. Yup, it’s still hard when angelversaries come around
    • Others may forget, but we simply can’t. We always remember what was happening for us on that day. Even if we’re not conscious of it, our bodies often remember and remind us.
  4. Yup, it’s still hard to talk about our losses sometimes
    • There may be days when we’re good to talk. Other times, we may get choked up as memories and grief rise to the surface. Ultimately, we will usually be ok once we get out the tears or breathe past the tightness in our chests.
  5. Yup, it’s still hard to get up in the mornings sometimes
    • Some days we feel well equipped to engage with the world. Other days… not so much.  We may be on autopilot, we may be grumpy or distant. It’s just a tough day. We all have them and sometimes even for less significant reasons.  
  6. Yup, it’s still hard to understand or accept why the loss happened to us
    • We’ve been over and over this in our brains y’all. Even if we have a medical reason for the loss, making sense of why this horrible thing happened is a very elusive concept. Some people have made peace with it, others never will.
  7. Yup, it’s still hard to focus on the present and forget the past sometimes
    • We might have a new job, a new boo, new living children, a new sense of self even. But guess what? That newness doesn’t negate our past and when it appears to, it is too often an attempt at ignoring or masking the pain. That’s not sustainable and even if it’s not completely obvious to the loss parent, it’s obvious to the people around them that they are running away from pain.

I haven’t done a “7 gems” post in a while so, you’re welcome! Share with anyone you think doesn’t seem to understand where you may be emotionally. Know your triggers, continue working to manage them so they don’t control you. It’s ok if it’s still hard. You’re still here and this walk is one of the greatest displays of strength I’ve ever witnessed <3.

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