black angel moms, grief & loss, Trauma of it all, Trying to figure this all out

Who Are You Now…?

There are times when you notice things about yourself that seem a bit foreign.  They’re things that you don’t recall doing or thinking… ways of being that seem unlike the you, you remember. Maybe you’re more harsh than you were before. Maybe you’re more sentimental. Maybe you’re more standoffish and aloof… maybe you can’t really put your finger on it but it… just… feels… different.

Recently I was having a conversation about faith and hope. I came to a realization that it’s actually really hard for me to have that right now.  It was shocking to recognize that pessimism in myself. I began to recall all the ways I reality-checked myself about any number of things recently. All the ways I, at times, was my own wet blanket. I was a damn Deb! Not to others, but to me. I truly wasn’t like this before. Sure, I had my struggles and sometimes, we all get in a negative-thinking rut.  I’m usually able to paddle myself out of that and get to a more goal oriented, eye-on-the-prize type of space with minimal effort. This time is different though. I find myself literally feeling like I can’t hope. I can’t be positive or think that ‘x’ good thing is meant for me and going to come to me. As though I’m watching a story unfold and can hear myself saying, “we’ll see what happens.”

Who is this person? Who is this person who no longer has trust in the universe’s plans or order? I take that back. I trust that the universe is going to do what it’s going to do but I struggle with holding onto the idea that something good is coming my way. I hate that I even said that honestly. I love to believe that good things happen to good people. I’m pretty sure I’m a good person… But something horrible happened to me. Something traumatic and horrific and heartbreaking all at the same time.  It broke my trust and simultaneously thrust me into a reality I didn’t want. A new version of myself that sometimes has me thinking, “who are you now?” Who is this person who is scared to dream & plan for the future (in some ways)? Who is this person who hears positivity spoken about their future as a mom but struggles to allow that to ring true for themselves? Who is this person who struggles with guilt & shame AND gives those idiot siblings a platform to grow stronger? It’s not who I was and I don’t want it to be who I am so I’m fighting it… but it’s hard… In many ways my heart is still broken and I don’t always have the answer to “who are you now..?”

People tell me I’m strong. People tell me I inspire them. I think that is wonderful and at the same time, there’s many days I do not feel strong or inspirational. There are many days where I try to write and nothing “strong & inspirational” comes out… Just pain… So sometimes I skip those weeks. Sometimes I choose not to show the vulnerability because frankly, it’s fucking scary! This whole venture has been scary but I think it’s important to show this humanity. We aren’t a pillar of strength all the time in the conventional sense. I’m not always able to bounce back with a great one-liner of inspiration or able to give myself a quick pep-talk to boost my mood. Sometimes I’m just scared and sad and pessimistic and a damn Deb. *shrugs*

I do have a nugget for you though (and for me too): love is the only why. Have you heard that before? I got it from the movie Collateral Beauty in which the Love character tells Will’s character that she is the only why.  She’s in all of life. The happiness, the pain, the sorrow, the laughter, the angst… all of it. Check out this clip below…

As I look at all the fear, apprehension, pain, jealousy and worry I feel sometimes, I realize that love is the reason why. I love my girls so much and I love my future children so much that it terrifies me to lose any again. As I look at my laughter, motivation, blog, profession, support system and drive, I realize that love is also responsible for those. It’s in all of it including me. So I’m going to love on myself a little more during the challenging times and during the sunshine. I hope you do too & thanks for going on this journey with me.  

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