grief & loss, Uncategorized

How My Pumpkin Became My Baby


Have you ever carved a pumpkin? I haven’t. Today (10/22/17) was the first time that I can remember doing it. Maybe I did when I was a kid a long time ago but I was a little black Girl in Bklyn so pumpkin carving was probably the last thing on my mind. Anyway, today I was invited to a friend’s house to carve pumpkins in her backyard garden area. Y’all it was so much fun!!!! I honestly didn’t think I’d enjoy it that much. It was both challenging and rewarding.  The combination of the company, the novelty of the experience and working with my hands was just dope. City kids should carve more pumpkins.

Speaking of city kids, we usually don’t carve pumpkins bc there’s nowhere to out them. We usually live in apartments. Sometimes even high-rise apartments and we’re also usually concerned about pests (specifically rats and roaches in the city) so leaving food out for them is a no no. As an adult who still lives in an apartment, I have the same dilemma today. Bae said we can’t take our pumpkins home because we don’t want bugs in our house. I agreed but was sad about it.

So I carried little Gumby (so named because he has no teeth…i couldn’t figure out how to carve teeth properly so it just looks like he’s smiling) on my lap in the car, home. Walking up to our building bae said, we have to leave them on the ledge. The Wave of sorrow that came over me at the thought of leaving little Gumby outside took my breath away… I nearly started crying right then and there but I held it together until we got upstairs. Originally I didn’t really understand why I felt so heavy in the chest but then it hit me: I created this small, smiling thing, it’s so cute and little and I just want to love it to pieces. Then I had to leave it outside…alone…without me there taking care of it. It reminded me of how cute and small my girls were and how despite the four months and change I put into creating them, I had to kiss them goodbye and leave them.  I couldn’t take care of them, I wouldn’t be able to see them again, and ultimately, I couldn’t control what happened next.  For some reason, Gumby feels like a boy so it touched on all my fears about my next pregnancy and the hopes that we’ll be able to bring that baby home to raise & love.  

So my pumpkin metaphorically became my baby and I was (and kinda still am) a wreck about it.  I get some relief by still being able to see lil Gumby when I park my car but I’m also a little worried about seeing him decay.  At the same time, I won’t be able to bring myself to throw him away so Bae will have to be on duty. Odd triggers happen folx. I never had any idea that I would feel anything at all about carving a pumpkin besides just enjoying it. Like I always say, be patient with yourself, if you’re around an angel momma or parent, be patient with them too.  We’re going through a lot and so many random things can set us off. What random triggers have you all had? I’d love to hear your stories.

1 thought on “How My Pumpkin Became My Baby”

  1. Yes, we do develop odd triggers! I can’t exactly name one as I’m typing this, but yes I developed connections to things I didn’t expect I would.

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