Hello my neighbors!! It’s been WAAAAAAYYYYYY too long since I’ve posted and let me be the first to say, I’ve missed tending to this space.
Honestly, I’ve been going through it the past few months. The universe is testing me in lots of ways and I needed some time to center, get in better alignment, and care for myself better than I had been. We all can get caught up in the glorification of busy and neglect some of the really important things in life: like yourself and your family. I was (and in some ways continue to) doing fifty-leven things at the same time which was so much more than just burning the candle at both ends. I went away on a retreat for perinatal loss (which was great by the way) and when I returned, I had a mini-break down after about 3 days of being back in my day-to-day. I was extra tearful, frustrated, exhausted, and one day, I actually felt like I was passing out. It scared me… A LOT… so, I ended up talking to my spouse about it, going to see my therapist (yes, therapists go to therapy too; get yourself a good one!), getting a great mommy-daughter breakdown/peptalk, and integrating some things w/ the help of my spouse, to help with how I was feeling. See what I did there? I communicated, sought outside professional support, used my natural supports, and incorporated practical self-care things to alleviate some of the bags of metaphorical stuff I was carrying around.
Look at me trying to live the life I suggest to people =).
So, I’m feeling better, things are looking better, I still have some days that are better than others but this is the work of healing, adulting, spousing, and parenting living and non-living children. Understanding and accepting this is part of the process, is one of the hardest things to sit with. I mean, really… it feels like pure trash. We all just want things to be easy and simple and work out according to plan. Ugh… annoying that we have to deal with reality sometimes. The bubble of the “assumptive world” (the space in all of our brains where we make assumptions about what happens to us, why it happens to us, how it’s supposed to happen to us, and what we can do to control outcomes) is nice and cozy until something pops that shit and everything changes.
Sometimes I think to myself, “things have really changed since the girls passed in 2017.” Then, I really think about it, and realize that significant changes started before that and even more, that things are constantly changing and evolving based on circumstances and experiences. As I uncomfortably sit with this – because I’m not a fan of changes – I started thinking about things I want to leave in 2018. New Years Resolutions are cool, and this is another nice way of assessing your year, while also making choices about what to NOT carry forward. Here’s my list and maybe it’ll give you some inspiration too:
Things I’m Leaving in 2018
- Not making peace with the struggle-and-the-strength: these two things are not mutually exclusive and just because I’m having a hard time with something, doesn’t mean I am not also strong for not giving up
- Clinging to my assumptive world beliefs for DEAR LIFE!: I’m honestly not the best with changes. I prefer structure and for things to play out how I expect them to. The facts though, clearly show me that I could benefit from being more flexible and releasing. It only helps to keep me stuck when I hold onto things that aren’t going to happen.
- Not making time for self-care: I have been SLACKING!!! Ugh, in some ways, I’m maintaining and in others, I know I can do much better. So I’m making a commitment to self to cut that out and start scheduling in regular self-care days just like I have to schedule every-damn-thing-else.
- Not making time for writing: This space is important to me. I feel like it’s important to give you all consistent content in hopes that even just one person, doesn’t feel alone in this journey as an angel parent. I miss it when I don’t write, and I feel like it’s important to continue to honor Aviva & Jora in this way. So, consistent writing shall resume!
- Hiding the struggle: I’ve been pretty transparent in this space so I don’t entirely feel like I’ve been hiding my struggles from y’all BUT I do feel like there’s been a bit of radio silence from me recently. Sometimes, I isolate or withdraw a bit when things get tough. It’s my effort to get a handle on stuff so things don’t spill out everywhere. You know what, though? That isn’t always helpful. So I’m leaving that in 2018 because “real recognize real.”
- Fear of forgetting: it’s been almost 2 years since Aviva & Jora passed away. I can’t believe it but June 7, 2019 will be two full years since I met my girls face-to-face, saw them moving, and held them as their little lights faded away. The more time between then and now, the more I wonder about whether I will forget, others will forget, or they will somehow become less important. Time is unforgiving and one of the most painful things to me at times, is that it just keeps going on regardless of what I want. Despite that, my too-short time with them is forever emblazoned in my mind and heart. They are literally part of my DNA and I will NEVER forget them. Me never forgetting means that others will never forget so I can stop sweating that idea.
- Not asking for or taking help: I wish it wasn’t, but sometimes asking for or taking help is HAAARRRRDDDDD af! I don’t know where I learned that – wait, I know exactly where I learned that (thanks Mom & Nana). We don’t have to be Superwoman, Wonder Woman or Nubia . Doing everything or too many things on your own is a recipe for disaster – disaster = burnout, frustration, irritability, resentment, chronic fatigue, bitterness, toxic independence (is that a thing? If it isn’t already, I made it up and think it is particularly for Black & Brown women), relationship stress (ALL relationships), and physical, emotional, and spiritual health. #leaveitin2018
So that my short list. Maybe you can relate and/or create your own list of #leaveitin2018 items…? Share it with the people in your circles. Inspire, create, and encourage as you move through this healing journey. Have a happy, safe, productive, soulful, empowered, loving New Year <3 <3