Loss is hard. It’s one of the hardest things (if not the hardest) that you’ll ever experience in your life. Different losses hurt differently and different people react differently to loss. I want to say there’s no wrong way to react but… I’d kind of be lying so I’m not going to do that y’all. What I will say is that there are helpful ways of processing loss and unhelpful ways. Partners/Other-Parents may process differently than we do and that’s ok. I’ve already gone over (multiple times) some of the things that I find helpful and harmful but now *drumroll please*
I’m going to give you a list of 7 things BAE should not and will not say if they have really earned that status. For those who don’t know, BAE is an acronym for “Before Anyone Else” and usually people have to be (and should be) pretty damn awesome in order to earn that title. Along this path of angel parenthood, I have heard some horrendous stories about what people’s partners have said/done to them. Things that seriously make you clutch your pearls. Take a look at what non-bae might say:
- You’re crying again!? Or You’re always crying!
- Babe you have to move on with your life.
- I think you just want to be sad.
- I can’t be around you right now.
- Let’s just make another one
- I really miss the old you
- I don’t care what you say, I absolutely don’t want anymore children
Yikes, right?!!! Believe me when I tell you that people have been subjected to this nonsense from their partners. Some things a non-BAE will do…
- Stay away for hours/days/weeks
- Start having sex with someone else outside of your relationship agreements
- Not hold your or attempt in any way to comfort you if you’re sad
- Get really angry at you over seemingly small things
- Try to force you or manipulate you into sex when you’re not ready
- Act like nothing has happened & everything is “normal”
- Leave the relationship soon after the loss
Yikes!! Again… I’ll say this, partners sometimes grieve differently than the person who was pregnant. They may not cry as much, they may be a bit more testy, they may even immerse themselves into work or school or working out or even hanging w/ friends but usually, BAE doesn’t do any of the things I mentioned above. You know why? Guess, I’ll wait…
BECAUSE BAE ACTUALLY CARES ABOUT YOU!!!! BAE doesn’t only care about you when they can get their needs met by you. It’s larger than that. BAE knows you’re hurting and they’re hurting too but they also know that turning away from you isn’t going to help either of you heal. BAE understands the importance of support. BAE can be empathetic and sympathetic. BAE wants to help ease your pain not create more… not invalidate your feelings or minimize the experience. BAE is in it with you NOT just a bystander watching everything occur. Even though logically, BAE has a choice to stay in this with you or not, for BAE, there IS NO CHOICE! And I don’t mean that from an obligatory perspective. I literally mean there is no other thing they would even think to you because they love you and you come Before Anyone Else too.
People… I know letting go of toxic people is a challenge sometimes. We’ve all been there and then had to re-evaluate wtf we were doing dealing w/ them-who-shall-not-be-named . Toxic people create more pain and honestly, we usually know better. Your loss is likely going to be one of the most (if not THE most) painful things you’ll ever have to deal with. Try not to complicate it by keeping non-bae’s around. They don’t deserve you <3.