Some Days

Some days, the hardest thing I have to do is wake up without you.

I look at my belly and see an empty space where you should have been.

I look in my eyes and see a glassy surface with no sparkle

You were the twinkle that lived there.

For four months, you lit up my world from the inside out.

You filled my heart with reasons to beat,

You filled my womb with reason to create

You filled my head with an understanding of love never realized before.

Some days, the hardest thing I have to do is breathe without you.

I take in air that serves the singular purpose of keeping me alive.

I exhale all the hopes and dreams I had of you.

My breath catches in my throat when I remember your beauty…

When I see your faces, I am overwhelmed with sadness and lost for words.

The air I breathed was for us… all three of us.

The air I breathed helped to create you both.

My chest rises with all the love I want to give to you

And falls with all the love I send to the universe for you.

Some days, the hardest thing I have to do is take a step without you.

You filled my muscles with reason to push forward.

You fueled my stride in the journey toward motherhood.

You filled my legs with purpose,

With strength to support us as your genesis continued.

You guided my steps

You guided my thoughts

You moved me in the direction I was destined to go just by your very existence.

Some days, the hardest thing I have to do is keep living when you’re no longer here.

I yearn to feel you inside me

Moving and kicking and getting the hiccups.

I yearn to feel your energy around me

Oddly consoling me when I know I should be consoling you…

My babies… my daughters… my loves.

Some days the hardest thing I have to do is remind myself that you’re still with me.

You’re still in the air I breathe, the breaths I take, the strides I walk…

You’re still in every beat of my heart, every thought I have, every tear I cry…

You’re still in every hope, every dream, every bit of inspiration that I have.

You’re part of me where this world ends and the next begins.

Mommy will carry you forever.